So i basically think that this whole weekend has been a long experience, of nothingness. like i dont really know what to do anymore with my life, i dont commit to anything anymore, i wont even cut my hair because i dont want it to look bad or anything, i dont want to take the chance of messing it up somehow. Yet, i am commited to my relationship, its the hardest thing in the world though, long distant realationships are really hard. It only feels like its getting harder though, because he isnt here with me. I am starting my life out here, because thats what i have to do, but i really want to start my life up there with him, but there is nothing that we can do. So it just feels really hard and hopless, not the realationship, my life does. I have no sense of direction and i dont know how to branch out and just be myself. like how do you start to be more independent when you didnt really rely on anyone in the first place. I am clinging on to my realationship because its all that i feel i have left, but i am litterly ruining it at the same time i am doing this. I dont want to feel like i am living my life without him. I want to be able to go to the movies with him and discuss the movie afterwards not watch a movie, and then call him and tell him about it. I would really love to start having the experiences of living with him. I dont know. what i am trying to say is i dont know what i am doing with my life, or how to be more independent and take control. I dont want to grow up yet, not completly by myself. I just feel completly alone.
I hate feeling alone. But i guess its like they say your always alone, but i am not always alone, he is always in my heart, he is there its just i cant see him.
I was already a step ahead; I didn’t trust anyone. Not for directions, not for rides, not for advice either. Sure, it sucked to be lost, but I long ago realized that I preferred it to depending on anyone else to get me where I needed to go. That was the thing about being alone, in theory or in principle. Whatever happened - good, bad or anywhere in between - it was always, if nothing else, your own.
“There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that don’t go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever.”—floatingupwards (via happynessruns) (via chippednails) (via speedofair)
Basically I think that i am going to cut my hair or something for some kind of change.
I’m sick of waiting for everything to come to me. I am sick of being scared to take a chance and end up loosing something else. I cant take anymore dissapointment, i cannot take anymore loss. but i am also un-willing to stand still anymore. time to work myself back up the latter and become more of the person i used to be..
I want that person back.
“That’s your personality. When something doesn’t work out, you want to just destroy it and start over. It’s the way you seem to approach a lot of things.”—My Dad, when I said that I wanted to re-install my hard drive due to an error I keep getting. Insightful, indeed. You can learn a bit about yourself when you look at how you approach problems. (via havent-got-a-prayer)
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”—Dale Carnegie (again, dedicating this to Mary…every post today is dedicated to Mary..) (via lickystickypicky)
Newly born brain cells, thousands of which are generated each day, help “time stamp” memories, according to a computer simulation by scientists at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in La Jolla, California, and the University of Queensland in Australia. The research was published in the journal Neuron.
These cells do not record an exact, absolute date — such as January 28, 2009 — but instead encode memories that occur around the same time similarly. In this way, the mind knows whether a memory happened before, after or alongside something else.
Neuroscientists believe that if the same neurons are active during two events, a memory linking the two may be formed.
A therapy that boosts the creation of neurons may alleviate some memory problems. Potential therapies include medications, a special diet or even running, since previous research has shown that running increases the creation of neurons.
Research in the Journal of Neuroscience this week supports the idea that different brain structures are involved in forming short-term and long-term memories.
The authors took brain images of participants as they answered questions about events that happened in the last 30 years. The hippocampus, a brain region known to be involved in short-term memory, and related structures were most active when participants recalled recent events. Activity in these regions declined for events older than one year, and remained low for events 13 to 30 years old.
Meanwhile, as memories got older activity increased in the frontal, temporal, and parietal cortices, located on the surface of the brain, researchers found. That means these regions may serve as long-term memory storage.
This model of memory structures make sense in the context of Alzheimer’s disease, said study co-author Larry Squire, professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego. Alzheimer’s patients often have trouble forming short-term memories, but less difficulty recalling older memories.
“Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical and expecting more than others think is possible.”—Unknown (via overflowing)
I know that our relationship is on the rocks, and its getting to a point where its either going to be seek or swim. i know that long distance relationships are really hard, but i know that alot of stuff that i do makes it worse. I am glad that you told me you hate who i have become, because it made me relize that i too really hate what i have become. tonight i will start taking my old medicine again. i hope it helps. i didnt call you back to tell you my plans, because i know that i made you mad as it is. i am going to have to start earning everything that i messed up back. but i dont think you understand how much i love that you say you still love me, but i want you to be in love with the person i am not who i used to be. so i am going to better myself, and try to change, so that you can love me for who i am, so i can give you someone to love, and i will love myself at the same time. i havent taken the medicine yet, and i am really scared too. i hope that something, anything gives me strength to just take them. i know that i have nothing left to loose and the only thing they will do is make things better, because nothing can get worse. just please understand that i really love you, and please understand that i really am thankful that you havent given up on me yet. just understand that i really love you, and everything that you are.
Something has caused me to be almost pain-free for the last 4 days, but I can’t figure out what. I didn’t even take any Tramadol during that time.
I don’t know if this is part of the unpredictable nature of this disease or it’s something I’ve done (or I’ve quit doing). I’m thinking hard, trying to remember anything that may have changed, but so far, nothing comes to mind.
What are you pain free from, if you dont mind me asking.
Listen to a song that I found meaningful and maybe write a poem.
I would write a note to everyone that means something to me, and then write something special to that special someone. and then i would eat everything in sight and watch cartoons, and make sure i sleep.
Wooden Doors. Most bullets will shred through these no problem.
Average Metal Doors. These things are generally not steel, plus they’re thin walled and hollow.
Tables. Wooden tables, definitely. Most metal tables are cheaply made and would be penetrated as well.
Cars. The only part of a car that will reliable stop a bullet is the engine. Doors, not so much.
Interior Walls. Unless you live in a castle, a handgun round will punch through about 4 interior walls.
Furniture. Ever notice good guys flip a couch over and evade being shot? Fat chance.
Books. Sorry to break it to you, but common handgun rounds will shred through pocket Bibles and even Encyclopedias.
People. Good guys love using baddies as human shields. Only problem is, at close ranges there is a fairly good chance of a bullet coming out the other side.
Trees. Sure, Red Woods still stop handguns. But lots of bullets will smash through smaller trees or send splinters flying out the back.
Helmets. It’s a common misconception helmets are designed to stop bullets. They’re really to protect from shrapnel and to shield the head from debris. Direct hits, even form handguns, can penetrate steel (WWII) and even modern battle helmets.
Zippos, lighters, and watches. Modern handgun rounds are fast, jacketed, and fairly heavy. Direct hits on any of those objects and you’re done for.
I just ate a whole fricken hershy bar, my stomach doesnt feel very good, but omgosh i feel like going for a run, i cant concentrate and its a good thing, if i puke i am so praying to gosh that it doesnt hurt.
People born in the year of the snake are considered mysterious, grant, wise and enchanting. He or she can become an Ambassador, a Mediator or a talented musician. Such a person is a thinker who also likes to live well; affluence. The Snake person loves books, music, clothes, fine food and wine; but with all their fondness for the finer things in life, their innate grace and elegance gives them a dislike for frivolities, small minds and foolish talk.
Some Snakes may have a slow or lazy way of speaking but this does not reflect in any way their speed of deduction or action. It’s just that they like to ponder things, to assess and formulate their views properly. Generally speaking, Snakes tend to be very careful about what they say.
Snake people like communicating, particularly interesting and challenging conversations; if the conversation becomes repetitive their attention may soon wander. It is almost impossible to fix their attention for long talking about mundane everyday habits as they prefer to focus on new, interesting and evolutionary ideas in general. The Snake needs mental exercise. And yet at the same time, they view their associates with a certain distrust. They will never forgive anyone who breaks a promise. They are also prone to being neurotic, even paranoid, where pet fears and suspicions are concerned. Once offended, however, Snakes will always seek revenge.
These people have a special talent that enables them to judge situations correctly. They are alert to new possibilities: when they have an idea of what to do and how to do it, they will pursue it persistently and energetically. The Snake is at home in any social situation, able to adapt and converse on all levels. In Chinese astrology it is believed that they are self-confident, driven, intelligent, headstrong, focused and willing to listen to someone else’s opinion, but not necessarily willing take it ‘on board’. They treasure their their ability to look at a problem from a variety of angles is extremely useful. When faced with a dilemma, Snake people, as a rule, act with speed and conviction, since they believe intensely in what they are doing and rarely waste time or energy on projects lacking in good potential.
When I first got clean back in August, I used to get these really bad panic attacks. It was the worst, most all-consuming feeling. I haven’t had a panic attack in a little over a month now.
I have panic attacks alot. i actually have had panic attacks and agraphobia like my entire life, i just had a relapse with them in november. :[ which is probley another reason i am scared to break free.