The Happiness sometimes had nothing to do with Living.
Well, Today has been crazy. for the last two days i have almost littlerly slept all day. Has anyone else felt like that.. I mean i woke up at like 5 something then went upstairs and fell asleep on the couch. [upset stomach, wanted to be closer to the bathroom] then i slept untill like 11:30, stayed up then around 3 fell back asleep, woke up at 6:30, then stayed up until like 11-12 and went back to sleep. the day before that i woke up at like 11:30, and then stayed awake and then fell back asleep at like 5 somthing woke up at like 11, and didnt get back to sleep untill like 1-2. Yesterday was easier considering the werewolf decided not to call me like all day, and then calls me at like 9:30 to tell me he was just “relaxing all day”… Thanks for the memo… dick. so when him and i talked last night, for a little while, bahaha. so he basically told me that we wernt going to be talking today because he has school, and he is going to be so exited about finals he is going to want to celebrate.. but he is not going to drink because he doesnt want to throw up. BUT he does want to go to sleep early. Lmao.. WAY TO CELEBRATE. then he said something about going out with is friend from the army. Like he was basically telling me that he was going to be busy and that we werent going to talk AGAIN today, without like actually saying it. Like is it really that hard just to say that. i mean commmeee onnn. Does anybody elese get this?!? anyway. I have to go get some stuff done..
OH and Guess What.. I am quitting Smokeing.. It makes me feel like crap everytime i have one now.. like im ganna puke or pass the hell out. so im quitting. [plus i have to anyway, if the werewolf comes down and there is smoke on my breath, no kissing for me.]
Some days I love Him, Other days i want to sell him to the mob.
I have had a pretty amazing day. Lots of stuff done, i can’t wait till the week after next… i cant wait for christmas either dont get me wrong. I cant believe this year went by so fast. Its like a slap in the face. Does anyone feel like the years just keep going by faster and faster? It seems like that to me.. its like only a month ago, i was 16 and telling myself that i only had a couple years of school left, then it was only one more year until i was 18, and now i am 19, and i already graduated. I hate to say it though, i wish i would have paid more attention and everything in school because i actually miss school. alot. its like i am waiting for it to start again. Ehh. Meh, its not that bad. I just miss it is all. My life will get better in due time. Reallly good day though.
So i have come to decided.. that when i wish on a shooting star, it probley didnt happen or wont come true because there must have been a million people looking at that star at the exact same time, and maybe there wishes were just better then mine… or more important.. or maybe they got done with thiers first.. but tell me.. how are you supposed to end a wish?
Ohh Ohh Ohh.. I lover her because she moves in her own way.
So yeah.. i completly forgot to upday yesterday.. But i am right now.. even though it is 12:46am.. so its going to say i havent updated in two dayss… but i swear its been like 1.. its only techniqually 2. lmao. anyway.. my days have been going really good.. i might get to see them soonn!! on the week of new years eve and new years.. i am really hoping i get too.. because then he can be the first one i say i love you too, and the first one i kiss and the first one i get to look into those beautiful eyes and tell them how much i really care and think they are amazing.. and They will be the first person i fall alseep next to or fall asleep with, starting the new year out :] this year is going to be a good one. eventful and fun.. I cant fricken wait.. I cant believe how time has flown by. i love it and at the same time i despise it.. Wow.. i actually just realized how fast time has flown by..
i miss him.. I hope it works out that he gets to come down that week. :]
Clouds I Can Handle, But I Can't Fight With An Eclipse.
"There are moments when it’s too quiet. Particularly late at night or early in the mornings. That’s when you know there’s something lacking in your life. You just know."
So I havn’t written in a while.. Like 2 days right.. Well I have been loosing my fricken mind, thats why. My panic attacks have been horrible, gone without sleep, and I am arguing with the werewolf like crazy. It will all get better though, i hope, i know. Anywhoo. I got to see my extra family, It was great. I cant wait to talk to my werewolf about what happend today, i was so proud of myself. I love bragging about the amazing things that i do. haha. anywhoo. Kinda busy at the moment trying to re-hydrate myself the old fashioned way… lots o water. I think i might act like a fish and jump in the bath tub and soak untill my body replenishes itself.. then i drink bottled water while im soaking, just not to much water, i dont want to drown my body out and die.. Which is possible, intreaging…Hmm.
Anyway. I’ll write more and probley add a picture later. I might have found another one that i like.
Today was beautiful, It snowed so much last night, but it brings sadness to my heart because i so desperatly wanted to be with you when the first accumulation came.
So i have been extreamly restless all day long. I hate feeling restless, and it sucked really bad. I actually ate first thing this morning, which made my stomach upset, because i usually dont do that. so all day i was restless and i couldnt figure out if i was going to throw up or if it was just going to pass. anywhooo.. so yesterday i did the “test” I was extreamly melodramatic and called them about a million times, and did that annoying thing i do when i dont let them off the phone unless i absolutly have to, i ended up getting hung up on, which i hate, and i couldnt get to sleep until like frick 3 o’clock in the am. Which sucked really bad for me because i hate it when i cant say goodnight and i love you. i wrote in my journal yesterday like 4 pages worth. my brain has been so fricken restless that i havent been able to stop and think about anything. I am waiting for them to get out of school so i can talk to them, i really miss them. They were supposed to come down this weekend, but they couldnt because their vehicale wasnt fixed [ i think i mentioned this before] Gahh, i really fucking miss them. Only like 2 hours left before i could potentially talk to them. I am so restless though so i think i am going to go and try to do something. I am sure i will write more later.
don't hold your breath because you'll only make things worse.
Did you ever just wake up and feel like everything was going to be alright today, then realize that today like every single other day is going to be a horrible horrible fucking day.
That is exactly what happend to me. I woke up and it felt like it was going to be an ordinary day, just same thing as every other day. i had to and still have to meet with a few more people but other than that i thought it was going to be okay. Then i had to make a desion and i didnt know about it so i figured this was an importand desision, it just didnt involve me[well it could or it could not.. depending] so i tried to call them and ofcourse no answer, so i texted them to call me and of course no phone call, so i called like 5 minutes before i know that break is over and still no answer.. Fucking pisses me off. like you cant take 2 fucking minutes out of you busy fucking life to answer your phone and answer one fucken question. but i can understand how my horrible pathetic life would have an impact on what people are expecting to hear from me.. Its wonderful. Great. Spactacular. let me tell you what. i dont know if i have written about this, but the person i was really hoping to see this weekend isnt comming down, because their vehicale is not done yet, and they cant get it done. so its like okay whatever. I was really upset but i have lost hope in a lot of differnt things so this really shouldnt suprise me. oh but great deal There is a slim chance i will see them next weekend now too. Because ya know, still has to get the vehicale taken care of. OH and now suddenly someone is comming home on leave from the army and they were best friends in high school, so hey he might not be comming down because he wants to visit with them. First time i heard about this new recent stranger.. but its great to feel like they are making as many excuses as possible in order to not see me.. and its not like they can come down the weekend after that because its christmas and they are going to a concert and then the weekend after that is new years.. but hey " we are always together." those are the words someone says when they know and are planning on not seeing someone for a really long time, when they are to busy or just doesnt have time for them anymore. but its great to know that i not only was on the back burner, but now i am making a huge mess with whats inside my pot and i am slipping off right into a trash can.. Mmmm.. Great. seriously contemplating what i am going to be doing with my life.. Haha fuck, what am i saying, i am having one of those days where i just want to lay down and quite breathing. The way my chest is hurting i think that might be possible. i should go to the doctors but ehhh… i hate doctors.. and i got a note from my CATP [ crazy ass thyrapist] that basically says i am unemotionably capable of working so untill further notice not only can i go to work because of the Big H [which i worked out with my boss] but I really cant go to work now because of the note [Which i tried to work out with my boss but he isnt buddging on it] so that means absolulty no paycheck next week and hey! maybe i will loose all muscle mass from not getting of my bone skinny ass and then i will be so un-nurished i will just waste away and die. that sounds pleasently exited, Whoo cant wait. That would be a whole heap of bullshit sarcasm by the way. even crappier part.. is that i think i can eat.. i am pretty sure i could eat anything right now.. but i am not hungry what so ever, and at this particular point i dont want to make myself eat because chances of me throwing up are very high.. So yeah.. My day is going extra super duper fucken spactacular.
If i was tired i swear i would crawl under my blankets and get lost.
Dorothea Brande’s twelve mental exercises. Note: she wrote these in 1936, so you need to adapt of few of them.
1. Spend an hour each day without saying anything except in answer to direct questions, in the midst of the usual group, without creating the impression that you’re sulking or ill. Be as ordinary as possible. But do not volunteer remarks or try to draw out information.
2. Think for 30 minutes a day about one subject exclusively. Start with five minutes.
3. Write a letter without using the words I, me, mine, my.
4. Talk for 15 minutes a day without using I, me, my, mine.
5. Write a letter in a “successful” or placid tone. No misstatements, no lying. Look for aspects or activities that can be honestly reported that way.
6. Pause on the threshold of any crowded room and size it up.
7. Keep a new acquaintance talking about himself or herself without allowing him to become conscious of it. Turn back any courteous reciprocal questions in a way that your auditor doesn’t feel rebuffed.
8. Talk exclusively about yourself and your interests without complaining, boasting, or boring your companions.
9. Cut “I mean” or “As a matter of fact” or any other verbal mannerism out of your conversation.
10. Plan two hours of a day and stick to the plan.
11. Set yourself twelve tasks at random: e.g., go twenty miles from home using ordinary conveyance; go 12 hours without food; go eat a meal in the unlikelist place you can find; say nothing all day except in answer to questions; stay up all night and work.
12. From time to time, give yourself a day when you answer “yes” to any reasonable request.
Now I effen love twilight.. but this did make me giggle.
"If a guy ever tells you that he’s killed other people before and he’s trying very hard not to kill you but omg your scent just drives him into a murderous rage, you RUN AWAY. Preferably, you run away to your dad who is the CHIEF OF POLICE. (Not that his badge will do much good against a vampire. Still.) You don’t bat your eyelashes and tell him you’re not scared of him. If a guy tells you he’s been sneaking into your bedroom for months to WATCH YOU SLEEP, you BOARD UP YOUR WINDOWS. Girls, this is not romantic. I know it seems that way because when he smiles your ovaries burst and you’ve got some misguided idea that he’s not creepy, he’s just looking out for Bella, but no. NO. The guy is a fucking menace. He knows it, he admits it, and yet somehow that is not convincing? Bad bad bad bad bad. This is Smeyer’s equivalent of “He only hurts me because he loves me”. IT’S NOT OKAY…”
So Yeah. I woke up this morning at *dun Dun Dun* 6:30 am. I was so exhausted i dont know why i woke up that early… good thing i went back to sleep. Talked to Miss M today, I am under a lot of “emotional distress” so even if i wanted to go back to work under pervious conditions because of the big H, i am not allowed to. So that means i will have absolutly what… Yeup you guessed it no fricken’ pay check next week. Greeaatt. considering i havent even picked up my pay check from last week yet, i keep forgetting about it. I would say i am in some horrible conditions. lmao.. but really its not funny.
I woke up today and knew it was going to be a horrible, horrible day.
Maybe someday i will redeem myself, but like i said before.. i wouldnt count on it anytime soon.
Stomach ache.. all day long.. Fucken shoot me in the face already. this really sucks because we had a really good dinner tonight and i cant eat it. i couldnt eat it, then my uncle got my food that i put in the fridge to eat later… and apartently he was hungry and at work, so guess who’s mother took her food to her uncle.. yepp if you guessed mine you would be entirely rightomondo. Either way it doesnt really matter it would have probley just sat in there untill someone noticed and threw it away anyway. Ughh.. stupid stomach and stupid food. i feel like such a broken record. always complaining about my stomach and how i dont feel good… it should get better soon though, they figured out the problem and supposivly fixed it so i am just waiting for the awesome point… then again it might not just be my stomach it could probley be my nerves… i am guessing its my nerves anyway. Either way.. i am going to say that ” the hardest thing you will ever have to do is wait.” For that i serisoulsy, actually, completly understand.. and someone told me this like today.. it was weird though because they called my phone on accident and they were talking about just haveing to wait for the person to call them back and they told me that, i was like whoa.. schweet. Anyway.. I am going to go for a little while and try to eat a pop tart. lmao. Ughh.. pop tarts.
The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of the wise man is in his heart.
The train is leaving, and it won't wait for anyone.
somebody told me today that I am destructive to everyone around me, but I am only tearing myself apart.
Yeah, That was nice of them to say. Maybe they said it because it was right after i got done getting into an argument because my sister wouldnt stop pestering me. Ended up yelling alot. I dont really care anymore though, i usually would fight my point of view and make them see it my way, but i didnt, i didnt want to, or feel the need to anymore. I am pretty sure this is what it feels like when you have nothing left. I have nothing left to say, and it seems like i have nothing left to do. I have nothing. I cant even to manage to get my panic attacks under control. Its like come on!@! I have had them before and yes it was really hard at first but now it feels even harder and i went almost a year without haveing a really bad one and now its like, i dont even want to leave my house. Yes, I know my life is really pathetic i have been told by more than one person. So yes i know that i have to do something, but i really dont want to do anything anymore. i just want to ride it out.. maybe i will want to do something by the time summer rolls around. if not then no. i know that i dont have the luxery of waiting that long and then beliveing i am still going have a place to live or anything that i want. but ehh.. i got time. I dont really know what else to say.. ughh, my bloggerings have been so pathetic. I am going now.. Oh did i tell anyone that is really really cold outside. It really is amazingly cold.
When You close your Tired Eyes, I'll meet you there.
Pay my respects to grace and virtue, send my condolenses to good. Send my regards to soul and romance; they always did the best they could. And so long to devotion, you taught me everything I know. Wave goodbye, say farewell; you’ve got to let me go.
Today is an amazingly awful day. I wanted to go to work this morning but couldnt, I cant sit up straight yet, and it is hard for me to lean foward… Thats what I have to be able to do in order to work. My panic attacks are awful, i am even starting to panic at home. It is an awful horrible feeling but it will be okay. I have to work through them. i have done it so many times before i just have to breath and make it threw these ones now. I dont really feel like writing right now. Just kind of a blah, sad day. No ambition to even text anyone back. Whats the point. I think it’s because people have this determined belief that things will always work themselves out in the end, that if you tough out the rough shit, the pieces will always fall where you want them to; it was just a matter of patience. as if life is testing how bad you really want it. you endure the brutal winter for a bountiful spring, right? but see where that line of thinking has gotten me? sometimes patience has nothing to do with it. and sometimes, no matter how much you tough it out, you’re not supposed to, and the pieces will absolutely not fall where you fucking want them to. So does that mean you should just give up?
Anyway, i dont really feel like writing, i am sure i will later… just not now.
The how I can’t recall, Now I’m staring at what was was the wall, theat seperated East and West, Now they meet amidsy the broad Daylight.
She realized her life is absolutly worthless, not only to herself but to others around her. she came to the realization that she has been blaming him for the things she has been doing herself. she was so hard on him because she believe that he didnt care anymore, when really it was her who was starting not to care. it was her that was starting to give up. she has been worried about him leaving her because that was what she was doing. she was leaving, not in the way that most people do. she was not leaving him behind, she was not infront of him whatsoever, but she was not there holding his hand running with him anymore. he was unknowingly holding his own hand while she was stubbling over her baggage. She let alot of the baggage go, but she couldnt let it all go. then she realized he was doing much better than she was. so instead of getting back up to run with him she left him, she gave up on herself and she let him run towards the sea by himself, as she was consumed in fog and cold and darkness. the sun and warmth was not following her at all, it was following him and his beautiful soul. it will keep following him until the end of his days. his amibence, his beautiful color, and radience, that only seem to glistens more with the sun that follows along with him. he was her favorite color, he threw rainbows off of his skin. she let him run ahead of her without him even realizing it, without him even knowing it. i guess she thought she could get away with it without him noticing for a long while that she was gone, leaving him run ahead without ever having to say goodbye. she was naive to think she would never have to say it. she was wrong, he did notice, he must have been talking to her and looked over to see she was no longer there when he was looking for an answer. she didnt want him to be upset so she gave him more and more reasons to go. he didnt exept them, he is stubborn, as she was. she knew he would not come back to pick her up and carry her, so she turned back to run, she looked back to get one last glimpse of his beauty, to look at the man she loved one last time, but it was too late. the fog and darkness had consumed the void, the empty space between them. Which makes me wonder if she will ever regret it. it makes me wonder if she has enough time to run back and be able to find the path he is on to catch up to him. it makes me wonder if he is still there waiting for her. I wonder if his heart is still beating for her like hers is for him.
I really fucking hate it when i try to have a decent conversation because im in a bad mood or a sad mood, and just to do so i have to fight like i am about to go into world war three. Its like fuck dude.. if i wanted to argue i would have started the conversation off my calling your mom a whore or something. no though, i start it genuinly, and all the sudden its a fucken bitch fest beyond belief. expecially today of all days. i finally got to leave the big H and its like how much more fucken rude can you be. but no thank you so much for taking the time out for me, considering you didnt want to last night. so thanks for considering my feelings and all. I appriciate it.. oh would you like my left arm, or how about my legs too. no no i dont need to fucking walk. ughh. Seriously why can people be so fucking rude sometimes, then they like expect you to have an extra special amazing fucking day or something. like since they pissed you off you should be shooting rainbows out of your ass flying on glitter and sparkles or someshit.. its like no, now i am going to have an awful day. i have come to the realization i am going to have a horrible horrible awful fucking day. so thank you. by the way the reason i kept calling you back so much, started off being because i wanted to tell you i love you, i hate it when you hang up on me before i can say it, but you didnt pick up your phone so i decided i would make it into a game [which oddley mad me giggle a little bit] because hey i have all fucken day anyway. i didnt get a chance to count how many times i tried to call you back.. but i do know it was a hell of alot. Interesting enough i have the urge to call right now, but i dont want to, because to be frank i have absolutly nothing to say to you. You have changed your goals and plans and i havent that shows your dedication and mine. you said you are not comming down this weekend now, and that if i called you back you were going to tell me that you didnt want anything to do with me. you told me that anyway.. and i am guessing you most likley got pleasure out of telling me it because i know that it was probley at the tip of your fucking tounge the entire god damn time, plus you know my curiousity and you knew i would ask you, so you would have a chance to say it either way.. and you did, i was kind of hopeing you would say something like that. maybe its just me but, i am getting really sick of doing everything by myself, and the one time we try to do everything together, it fucken fell through. so yeah.. but you cannot expect me to do everything by myself. i am strong but not that strong, considering i dont have any of the resourses or anything else in order to be able to do it by myself. ohh you want my other armm. okay take that too. i am so fucking gullible and trusting when it comes to you, i dont even take it harshley for the fact that you fuck me over so much, oh and you take me for granted so fucking much.. but i am sure if i died tomorrow you would feel no remorse.. fuck i dont even believe that you would show up to my funeral.. but no no its okay, i will keep working my fucking ass off in order to make you happy and in order to be down there with you. no no its okay, im not practically killing myself to be with you. i am getting so sick of trying to make it better and trying to make it hold, i am serioulsy contemplating just letting it go and letting it take the course that you put it into. i am sick of being the only one holding up the fucking boulder while you go and fucking make yourself happy. its bullshit and that boulder is getting oftly heavy. God take a fucking hint and stop being so selfish.. which by the way i enjoyed how you called me that then quickley changed the subject.. if you would have given me two more seconds to breath i would have been screaming at you. i am like the most un-selfish person i know when it comes to you and the fact that you said that i wanted to instantly punch you in the throat. then again i also enjoyed the million and one times you hung up on me, that was sweet too. Jee willikers i have such an amazing life, and you just make it so much better. Serioulsy thanks a whole lot. serioulsy contemplating wether or not to say fuck it is like the hardest but easiest thing i will ever have to do.. and yet i still cant make that desion, and its not like i would be giving up on them or anything, i would just be saying fuck it and letting things go the way they are going to go.. i cant expect to be the one always doing things in order to make them happy, they should be trying to make me happy too.
It is a punch in the stomach, love, but I would take a hit for you.
Tell me, if I caught you one day and kissed the sole of your foot, wouldn’t you limp a little then, afraid to crush my kiss?
so I am really exited about next weekend. They are comming to visit me. I hope anyway, they have a couple things to get down before it is official, but they said they could get it done so i belive them. I get to go home today. I already called my father and set everything up so we are going to be staying there next weekend. I am kind of nervous just because my father lives in like the smallest apartment in the world. bedroom, living room, bathroom, and a box sized kitchen. I have been having panic attacks and anxiety alot lately. so i am a little worried about having a panic attack while he is there and then i have no where i can go or turn away too. to like calm down or anything.. if i have a panic attack i have to have one right there infront of them. I dont know anyone around there so its not like i can go to a differnt apartment or go to someones house or let alone another fricken room or something. there really isnt anyone i can call either. it’s really crazy that i am nervous about all of this now, but still i am sure everything will be okay once i get there and get stuff situated and then they show up. i tend to be very calm and everything when i am around them. i am extreamly comftorble around them. i havn’t seen them for a while so this is like a big deal to me. If it doesnt happen i am going to be really upset.. i will go threw the stages.
I will say everything is fine.
then whatever comes after that.
I am sure i am not the only one that goes threw these stages.. but i really dont want to have to go threw them again. i want to see them soo fricken’ much. I just really hope i get the chance too. i dont want to get my hopes up to high or get to exited or anything, but its already a little to late for that. I was thinking i might talk to my grandparents on the other side of my family about it.. but then i would have to explain to them about my grandfather and everything. My family is complicated enough i dont really want to have to show how crazy it really is. i think i still might though. i have to remind them at some point and time of the things they cannot bring up to my father to avoid friction or anything like that. i cant wait to watch movies and stay warm together and cuddle and take a shower, most of all i cant wait to hug and kiss. :] i hope seeing them will make me feel better too. alot of people tell me i am love sick. lmao. i didnt believe that was real or anything, then again alot of differnt things have happend so why not love sickness. i really cannot wait for next weekend. i am so super stoked. i know that this entire week is going to be really, really, really fricken’ slow for me. for them its going to be fast. for me its going to be long and agonizing. I have a week to kind of gettin my eating back on track and to get my sleep a little bit on a better schedual and to make sure i have everything set up right. I cannot fricken wait. what-so-ever.
Why cant next weekend get here sooner.
anyway. i ate more toast and i am starting to feel really sick again so i am going to go and take my pillow and my stupid starch sheet and unbelievabley wierd white blankey to the bathroom[thank gosh for bathrooms in big H rooms] and lay down by the porcialin god. Ughh.. i cant wait to go home.. then again i have no idea why i am up so early anyway, i didnt get to sleep until really late. Anyway, i am going to go like i said before.. im not feeling very good, i should most likely try to get more sleep anyway. I mean i am sure it wont kill me if i dont get more sleep considering how much i slept yesterday.. but hopefully it will make me feel better. I hope I hear from them soon. :/
Ooh there are many reasons not to try.. There’s nothing differnt about today, i tell you I’m like the sky.. Getting Further and Further away.
I try to set goals and I try to do things right, but sometimes it seems like it will never get to the point i want it to be at. i dont understand it. i cant even get myself to accoplish a simple goal. maybe its my fault because i am not working hard enough or i am just working too hard. i want a normal life. i want to be able to go back and forth to work without feeling anxious and having to talk myself threw it like i am about to jump out of a plane or something. i want to be able to pay my bills off and live comftorbley where i actually want to be. i want to be able to be have a wonderful story of anguish and hardship but with an ending of bliss and happiness and self accomplishment writen as my story. it seems as if i am just at the beginning chapters and whoever is writing my story, maybe even i, am stuck at what to do next or how to go about it next. i am stuck at the word *and, but i cant seem to figure what would go next. I want it to be something like ” and then she realized things are never as hard as they seem. Things just fell together for her like puzzle pieces to a complicated jig saw puzzle, and she realized what she had to do. by doing this she accomplished self assurence and was able to focus and live comfterbly, maybe not where she wants yet, but soon.” It seems like it will never get to that point though. i dont know maybe its just me. i am sure everyone has gone threw something like this before.. and i am sure they have overcome it and accomplished it. i just dont see why i cant.
Why cant I..
Figure things out.
Get my life together.
live at a comfterble level.
Get over my anxiety.
stop sabatoging my relationship because I dont want the other person to have the chance of disapointing me.. i would rather disapoint them.
stop being so nervous about something i am so exited for.
feel hope for anything.
accomplish simple goals.
I dont know these are just things that have been really bothering me. i just got done watching one of the stupidest movies i have ever seen in my enitre life.. i really serioulsy hated it.. despised it. Yet, i still watched it.. and i compared my self to this awful movie that i really hate. the only thing i could think was.. why cant my life be that easy, why cant my movie at least be on the same level as this horrible fucking movie i am watching. It made me feel really bad. i dont know what i am going to do or anything. i just hate the fact of not knowing. people have told me to just not worry about what is not in my control and thing about the now instead of the tomorrow or the future… buts its like.. if you dont like where you are or where you life is at, if you have been working on a goal so hard for it to just fall through and you have to start over at the exact same spot you were at in the beginning and many times through out the goal, how are you supposed to feel like you are worth something. i just dont know maybe its just my insecure thinking or maybe its just that i am in a depressing mood. it is just something i cannot seem to get a grasp on and it makes me feel like shit, like who else has control over my life? no one thats who.. so who has to take the initiative to fix it? me.. but who doesnt have the will power or the dreams and hopes and faith in order to even give it a chance anymore. me. it is kind of like seeing your future. the best future you could ever imagine. love and stability, a job you love, a car that at least runs, a really good head on your shoulders, and you end up being with the one you love, and you end up enjoying your life more than you ever thought possible. there are hardships,but you make it threw them without even a second glance. your expierence helps others and you make a huge differnce in the world. Then when you actually get your life started and it gets going and you work for that future.. you realize it wasnt yours at all, it was the girl sitting next to you destiney.
ughhh.. I really hate feeling like I am not going anywhere in life.. It’s like being paralized, but still being able to walk.
I took a chance, I took a shot. And you might think i’m bulletproof, but i’m not.
So I finally told i could go home. I was ready and everything… Then they took me and got me weighed. I was 124 pounds, I weighed 136 pounds three weeks ago. then before i went it i weighed 134 pounds. So ofcourse they were like. Oh my. Which i am glad to find out though, because that explains why i have been getting really dizzy latley and why i have been sleeping so fricken much and everything… but they like Freaked out.. Something about i am 5’9 and weigh 124 pounds, thats un-healthly blah blah blah. Well considering i havent been eating because my nerved have been shot and then you cut my shit open, and then you try to feed me nasty hospital food.. yeah i would say i would loose some weight.. but they are going a little over bored when it comes to makeing me gain it back. I refuse the I.V to get hydrated so they are pushing water at me like crazy [ which they dont do when you have to take a pill, ohh but they’ll give you all the water you want when you DONT want it.] the food they are trying to make me eat, i was like omgosh just get it away from me. I got crackers. i ate like 6 of them. then they made me toast and i ate 4 pieces of lightly buttered toast. i am still on the last half slice. Ughh. i feel like i am going to puke. Just a small sliver left.. i really want to throw it away. okay so now there is a small little ball like piece left. I am going to throw it away.. or just on the floor they will clean it up. Did you know there are computer rooms in hospitals?! me either i was like what the fuck.. i got to go to it because they wanted me to be able to walk somewhere so i ofcourse didnt put up a fuss. only bad thing is i left my cell phone up there so now i am like waiting for them to bring it down to me.. because there is no way i am going to fricken walk 4 flights for a phone.. they can fed ex that shit down to me. It’s like 2:00 in the am now.. and I still dont have my phone. They took me up there because i was panicing really bad then they sedated me and i like just woke up to them throwing food at me.. its like why dont we extend me gaining the weight back within like a week and you can get off my ass tonight. Does that sound good.. Yeah it should. I couldnt get ahold of him to tell them whats going on, i know i called him about a million times.. but at least i know they are alive, they ignored my phone call fast enough, but ofcourse they had to call back right as i was getting some shite done, and down. I started to panic like 5 minutes after that. i was hopeing i could catch them and wake them up so i could talk to them.. we havent talked all day.. exept for this morning.. but i dont even remeber what time it was. First it was because i wanted to see how they were.. they were really sick this morning, and then i started to panic. i called and texted. when they called they didnt leave a voice mail though. i hate it when they do that, i love to hear thier voice and they dont leave any kind of voicemail, its like come on. I did get a text though. so, its not like i was completly ignored. i found some koolaid stuff so i mixed it in with my water so its not so fricken bland. ughh. i am getting really sick of water. its like lime or something like that. it actually doesnt taste all that bad, i cannot wait to go home! ughh. i was supposed to go today, but no fricken way. i really fucking hate getting my hopes up for something then having to wait longer for it. This situation isnt that bad though just because i know it will happen. i am going to go to bed soon though. i am sure i will have more to write tomarrow. i have a ton of things i would love to talk about. I am sure i will be writing more in the a.m. when i get up and everything. i am going home tomorrow whether they like it or not. Oh but first.. somethings i have observed.
I really dont like crackers all that much.
I think that my nurse may be a guy.. I dont know how to adress “them.”
My window has a crack in it.
If i close my eyes, i can hear almost everything i can hear when i am at home.
It’s snowing very beautifuly.
Anyway. I am going to sleep, i will write more tomorrow. I miss my werewolf.:[ I cannot wait for this weekend comming up. :]
I can be happy alone, sure. I can be happy without icecream, too. If were being hypothetical.
So here it goes. I actually think I am hungry for once, but I am a little nervous to eat. I don’t want to end up throwing up or anything.[ which I have been doing latley] I am thinking some rice crispies or something. I dont know i just know that i am actually really hungry. So, I am just going to take it slow and try to eat.. i mean i should eat something. I dont want to become sick, and sleepy and dreary and drag again. I hated that the last time. I really dont want it to happen again. I should be either going home tonight or tommorrow. I can’t fricken wait! Oh My Gosh.. to sleep in my bed again, well my cot again. That will feel really nice. You know what would feel even nicer than that. If i could just eat and not feel nausous. They keep telling me not to think about it when i eat it.. but i mean come on. lets look at this logically.
It’s not the best food in the entire world.
It was hard for me to eat before.
My stomach feels really weird.
and If I do end up Pukeing, It’s going to hurt REALLY bad.
So now tell me to just try not to think about it.. why do people constantly think that you can do everything just because they can.. and to top it all off they are perfectly fricken’ fine when they want you to do it.. Its like why dont you go threw what i am going threw and then YOU can try to eat this nasty shit you call food. Let alone the fact that I would’nt even eat a Flippen Nutty Bar right now. That says a lot because i Enjoy nutty bars more than anyone on this planet i think. Stupid people piss me off. I’ve been here for 3 days and 2 nights and they just told me today that I can have a laptop in my room. Well je willickers! thank you so much for saving me from agonaizing boredom with only being able to watch the little 2 inch freaking T.V. Oh and they tell me they have a video game system they can also hook up. Yeah know so I’m not bored. THANK YOU again, for not telling me this sooner.. I had to like beg them to keep my cell phones. I have been playing sims on on my cell like it is going out of style, when basically to alot of people, it already has. I am really glad I dont have very much money on my phone or else I am sure I would have spent it all on some stupid game that i will only play for a couple days then never play again.. some of you know what I mean, Some of you don’t. Wow, this really does’nt sound like a blog anymore. It sounds like a rant. So since we are on that topic let me explain a little more of what i hate from my experience here right now.
What Annoys the shit out of me.. at the moment.
When I say ” No, I don’t want an IV” You better make sure i’m knocked the fuck out, before you fish around inside my arm [While I am awake, non the less] to find a god damn vain.
When I say I have to go to the bathroom, You better assume that I want to use the actual toilet. If I see one more person trying to make me use a bed pan, I am going to toss it at there damn head like a frisbee.
If someone down the hall is screaming for pain medicine.. GIVE HER THE GOD DAMN MEDICINE. I do not care that she is in pain, but she really needs to shut the fuck up, or i am going to get a headache and need pain medication.
If i am sleeping. DO NOT EVER, come in my room and as me if you can check my blood pressure and if i had a bowel movement. I’ll let you when i wake up, and i will make fun of you for asking me about my bowels when i am coherent.
If you thow vannilla ice cream on my tray of food i dont want one more time. I’m going to mix it with the nasty jello mold you call food and hide it under the bed and let it rott.
Why is it when I am on the phone, you leave me alone. BUT when i am going to the bathroom you knock on the door and ask me if i need a hand, expecially when there is already a nurse in there.
It’s my stomach not my legs, I dont need a fucking sponge bath..and yes i will sneak into the bathroom in MY room and take a shower again by MYSELF, i don’t care how fatal the consequences… what are you ganna do take away my jello.. PLEASE DO.
When you look up and see a pencil stuck in the ceiling. Dont blame me.. i really didnt do it.. Why do you think i am sleeping on the far left side of the bed.. if that shit falls *boom* there goes my fucken eye.
Yes i did decorate the remote with stickers i found in a draw, they are cheap they will come right off, and yes i did get up and get in the draw.. i was under the impression there were coloring books.
If the nurse try’s to “bond” with me one more time by doing my make up or playing with my hair, to keep me company. I am going to stab her in the eye with and eye liner pencil… not the one in the ceiling.
I hate it when i get chocolate milk [ the one thing i thought would be good] and it tastes like fricken card board… i had a flash back of the carton milk in school.
If I am concinence and still breathing in no threat of bleeding to death, You better not ever fucking put me in a heli. again with out drugging my ass… You think i am going to stay calm when i wasnt ready and i’m scared of heights “just breath, just breath” Yeah.. well stop breathing and die and get out of my face.. I would stay more calm if you would sedate me before this crap!
When you take me in and put the mask on me and tell me to count and i fucking sing… i better hear applauding before my eyes close.. and dont tell me i cant sing, that i have to count.. i’ll weakley but still forcefully punch you in the throat.
When you knock me out and cut me open. You better fucking make sure i sleep threw the whole fucking thing. If i wake up again and feel paralyzed and hear.. “uhu, doc, she is waking up. we need more gas. and then see faint images of tape and people rushing at my face…I am not only going to panic again like a mother fucker at the moment and when i wake up for good, but i am going to make my entire stay at the hospital hell.[ I dont know if this has ever happend to anyone, i am sure it has]
One more thing. I dont care how high up you are mr. heiligeanne *insert spit and weird nasal sound* You farted. It wasnt me. I wasn’t sleeping, i just didnt want to get poked or proded again. So I did hear you blame it on me.. There is no such thing as *Sleep Farting* when you are awake.. she’s blonde but not that fucking blonde.
If i ask to brush my teeth. dont give me the crappiest tooth brush you can find. i want a tooth brush that looks new, not one that looks like it was used to clean the bottom of a toilet bowl. the flimsey thing you try to hand me, is not a tooth brush it is a gum destoryer. i would rather go with bad breath.
After writing all that i actually feel alot better. I have to go and do the stair thing in like 10-15 minutes. So I am going to try to get up and move somewhat so i my muscles are not so tight. It actually isnt as bad as it sounds. i Should be healed within the week.. muscle mass has to be rebuilt, but i am going to be working on it slowley but surely…
[ If you have’nt figured it out yet… I’m at the hospital]
I will write more later or something. Hope everyone is having a great day. :]
Thank God for cell Phones, and games for your cellphone.. and more than that, Internet service on your cell phone. :] everything is going good. I want to go home though. I dont want to be here anymore. The Big H, Is what I am going to call this place from now on. I hate saying hospital and considering I dont actually know which one i am in, it is hard to actually say the name of it. I want to just give up. I am weak and I am pretty sure everyone knows it. I just keep making jokes and smiling. I make everyone laugh and a million people come in the room just to talk to me. but i know i am a really good people person, but i dont want that anymore. I just want to be left alone. I cant give up. I can’t give in. Just have to keep pushing along, even if it is the hardest thing i will ever do.. just got to keep breathing.
If you can’t live in willingness with yourself, you cannot expect yourself to be stong enough for another.
I’m exhausted, not much to say. Just have to keep reminding myself everything little thing is going to be okay.
I am really tired.. i was up untill like 3:00 this morning. I was really scared. I have had a really long day. This isnt going to be a long one.. I dont know about the one tomorrow either. I really dont feel like doing anything. I have slept so much it is unbelievable. This is just my short 15 minute interval before i go back to sleep and try to heal. I am amazed at what the body can do.. like shut itself down. I wonder if our brains work like computers, like when something goes wrong you cant load your screen, or if you decide you dont want to be on it anymore you can just shut it off… i wonder if it will just shut off by itself without you having to do anything at all. I am really tired like i said before. so it is really hard for me to type all of this on my phone, i am just really glad i can, because it tried to write this in my journal that i take with me everywhere and i could only write a couple sentences at a time. I am going to go to sleep now.
I dance in the ashes of the words that you wrote, but could not say.
Not to much to say. not to much to write about. my life feels like it is going no where, and its not going anywhere fast at the moment. i am going to get the procedure and everything done tomarrow. i am actually really scared. anyone ever have a feeling like something really bad is about to happen, but you cant change your path to get away from it.. like you feel like you really need to do it, even though you are absolutly terrifyed of it. i cant seem to shake the feeling that something bad will happen. i am sure it is just a feeling though. i really dont want to talk about anything really. i dont want to talk about what me and anyone else talked about. It wasnt worthless or anything, but it was very upsetting and hurtfull and pretty pointless. i just realized how worthless i may just actually be. How pointless my life is, plus the fact that to the one person i care about the most i am untrustworthey. I am not sure i will ever be trustworthey to them. i also disspoint them more then i expected i did. I mean i knew i did at times, who doesnt dissopoint anyone. i just didnt know i dissapointed him that much. I actually despise myself for it. If you would have heard what i heard in thier voice tonight you would realize why i feel worthless. Ughh.. but it doesnt matter. I am not even sure if my own self wants to write any of it, that would mean i would have to re-live the moment of dissapointment all over again.
I wish I could be a flower, For a flower only has to worry about the cold frost.
I had a pretty horrible day. It was sunny though.. that has to be a plus right. A truck caught on fire and exploded. Not my fault. I get upset and when i do, i tend to push the limiates of anything i ecounter. Yes, i knew i was going really fast and yes i knew the breaks where bad, and yes i knew it was a piece of shit. I didnt expect that outcome though. Angela and I are not getting along what-so-ever, I really fucking dislike her at this point in my life. Stupid bitch. Right along with everyone else that feels like that have to have a say in something they are not fucking involved in. My life is like a horrible never ending sitcom. I dont really feel like writing to much today. I have alot of shit to fix and finnish. I really miss him. I had to take a pain medication because i scraped my knees and the palms of my hands… i would suggest you never ever do this.. not even on accident.. it fucking hurts. The medicine is kicking in, so i am going to go to bed. I will write again whenever… el fin.