Gymnastical Cupcake.

could today go any slower.

So i have serioulsy been awake like ALL day. Waithing for it to pass i am sure of it.. but it feels like it is going so slooowww time is fricken lagging. lmao.

Anywayy.. I really hope i can get some sleep soon, i am exhausted and yet i am wide awake. I hate that. i want to RIP some christmas presents open.. SO LETS GO TIME.

The Happiness sometimes had nothing to do with Living.

Well,  Today has been crazy. for the last two days i have almost littlerly slept all day. Has anyone else felt like that.. I mean i woke up at like 5 something then went upstairs and fell asleep on the couch. [upset stomach, wanted to be closer to the bathroom] then i slept untill like 11:30, stayed up then around 3 fell back asleep, woke up at 6:30, then stayed up until like 11-12 and went back to sleep. the day before that i woke up at like 11:30, and then stayed awake and then fell back asleep at like 5 somthing woke up at like 11, and didnt  get back to sleep untill like 1-2. Yesterday was easier considering the werewolf decided not to call me like all day, and then calls me at like 9:30 to tell me he was just “relaxing all day”… Thanks for the memo… dick. so when him and i talked last night, for a little while, bahaha. so he basically told me that we wernt going to be talking today because he has school, and he is going to be so exited about finals he is going to want to celebrate.. but he is not going to drink because he doesnt want to throw up. BUT he does want to go to sleep early. Lmao.. WAY TO CELEBRATE. then he said something about going out with is friend from the army. Like he was basically telling me that he was going to be busy and that we werent going to talk AGAIN today, without like actually saying it.   Like is it really that hard just to say that. i mean commmeee onnn. Does anybody elese get this?!?  anyway. I have to go get some stuff done..

OH and Guess What.. I am quitting Smokeing.. It makes me feel like crap everytime i have one now.. like im ganna puke or pass the hell out. so im quitting. [plus i have to anyway, if the werewolf comes down and there is smoke on my breath, no kissing for me.]

Some days I love Him, Other days i want to sell him to the mob.

With those beautiful eyes of yours.

I have had a pretty amazing day. Lots of stuff done, i can’t wait till the week after next… i cant wait for christmas either dont get me wrong. I cant believe this year went by so fast. Its like a slap in the face. Does anyone feel like the years just keep going by faster and faster? It seems like that to me.. its like only a month ago, i was 16 and telling myself that i only had a couple years of school left, then it was only one more year until i was 18, and now i am 19, and i already graduated. I hate to say it though, i wish i would have paid more attention and everything in school because i actually miss school. alot. its like i am waiting for it to start again. Ehh. Meh, its not that bad. I just miss it is all. My life will get better in due time. Reallly good day though.

Dont walk away.

So i have come to decided.. that when i wish on a shooting star, it probley didnt happen or wont come true because there must have been a million people looking at that star at the exact same time, and maybe there wishes were just better then mine… or more important.. or maybe they got done with thiers first.. but tell me.. how are you supposed to end a wish?

Ohh Ohh Ohh.. I lover her because she moves in her own way.

So yeah.. i completly forgot to upday yesterday.. But i am right now.. even though it is 12:46am.. so its going to say i havent updated in two dayss… but i swear its been like 1.. its only techniqually 2. lmao. anyway.. my days have been going really good.. i might get to see them soonn!! on the week of new years eve and new years.. i am really hoping i get too.. because then he can be the first one i say i love you too, and the first one i kiss and the first one i get to look into those beautiful eyes and tell them how much i really care and think they are amazing.. and They will be the first person i fall alseep next to or fall asleep with, starting the new year out :] this year is going to be a good one. eventful and fun.. I cant fricken wait.. I cant believe how time has flown by. i love it and at the same time i despise it.. Wow.. i actually just realized how fast time has flown by..

i miss him.. I hope it works out that he gets to come down that week. :]

“There are moments when it’s too quiet. Particularly late at night or early in the mornings. That’s when you know there’s something lacking in your life. You just know.”

So I havn’t written in a while.. Like 2 days right.. Well I  have been loosing my fricken mind, thats why. My panic attacks have been horrible, gone without sleep, and I am arguing with the werewolf like crazy. It will all get better though, i hope, i know. Anywhoo. I got to see my extra family, It was great. I cant wait to talk to my werewolf about what happend today, i was so proud of myself. I love bragging about the amazing things that i do. haha. anywhoo. Kinda busy at the moment trying to re-hydrate myself the old fashioned way… lots o water. I think i might act like a fish and jump in the bath tub and soak untill my body replenishes itself.. then i drink bottled water while im soaking, just not to much water, i dont want to drown my body out and die.. Which is possible, intreaging…Hmm.

Anyway. I’ll write more and probley add a picture later. I might have found another one that i like.

Today was beautiful, It snowed so much last night, but it brings sadness to my heart because i so desperatly wanted to be with you when the first accumulation came.

So i have been extreamly restless all day long. I hate feeling restless, and it sucked really bad. I actually ate first thing this morning, which  made my stomach upset, because i usually dont do that. so all day i was restless and i couldnt figure out if i was going to throw up or if it was just going to pass. anywhooo.. so yesterday i did the “test” I was extreamly melodramatic and called them about a million times, and did that annoying thing i do when i dont let them off the phone unless i absolutly have to, i ended up getting hung up on, which i hate, and i couldnt get to sleep until like frick 3 o’clock in the am. Which sucked really bad for me because i hate it when i cant say goodnight and i love you. i wrote in my journal yesterday like 4 pages worth. my brain has been so fricken restless that i havent been able to stop and think about anything. I am waiting for them to get out of school so i can talk to them, i really miss them. They were supposed to come down this weekend, but they couldnt because their vehicale wasnt fixed [ i think i mentioned this before] Gahh, i really fucking miss them. Only like 2  hours left before i could potentially talk to them. I am so restless though so i think i am going to go and try to do something. I am sure i will write more later.

Did you ever just wake up and feel like everything was going to be alright today, then realize that today like every single other day is going to be a horrible horrible fucking day.

That is exactly what happend to me. I woke up and it felt like it was going to be an ordinary day, just same thing as every other day. i had to and still have to meet with a few more people but other than that i thought it was going to be okay.  Then i had to make a desion and i didnt know about it so i figured this was an importand desision, it just didnt involve me[well it could or it could not.. depending] so i tried to call them and ofcourse no answer, so i texted them to call me and of course no phone call, so i called like 5 minutes before i know that break is over and still no answer.. Fucking pisses me off. like you cant take 2 fucking minutes out of you busy fucking life to answer your phone and answer one fucken question. but i can understand how my horrible pathetic life would have an impact on what people are expecting to hear from me.. Its wonderful. Great. Spactacular. let me tell you what.  i dont know if i have written about this, but the person i was really hoping to see this weekend isnt comming down, because their vehicale is not done yet, and they cant get it done. so its like okay whatever. I was really upset but i have lost hope in a lot of differnt things so this really shouldnt suprise me. oh but great deal There is a slim chance i will see them next weekend now too. Because ya know, still has to get the vehicale taken care of. OH and now suddenly someone is comming home on leave from the army and they were best friends in high school, so hey he might not be comming down because he wants to visit with them. First time i heard about this new recent stranger.. but its great to feel like they are making as many excuses as possible in order to not see me.. and its not like they can come down the weekend after that because its christmas and they are going to a concert and then the weekend after that is new years.. but hey
” we are always together.” those are the words someone says when they know and are planning on not seeing someone for a really long time, when they are to busy or just doesnt have time for them anymore. but its great to know that i not only was on the back burner, but now i am making a huge mess with whats inside my pot and i am slipping off right into a trash can.. Mmmm.. Great. seriously contemplating what i am going to be doing with my life.. Haha fuck, what am i saying, i am having one of those days where i just want to lay down and quite breathing. The way my chest is hurting i think that might be possible. i should go to the doctors but ehhh… i hate doctors.. and i got a note from my CATP [ crazy ass thyrapist] that basically says i am unemotionably capable of working so untill further notice not only can i go to work because of the Big H [which i worked out with my boss] but I really cant go to work now because of the note [Which i tried to work out with my boss but he isnt buddging on it] so that means absolulty no paycheck next week and hey! maybe i will loose all muscle mass from not getting of my bone skinny ass and then i will be so un-nurished i will just waste away and die. that sounds pleasently exited, Whoo cant wait. That would be a whole heap of bullshit sarcasm by the way. even crappier part.. is that i think i can eat.. i am pretty sure i could eat anything right now.. but i am not hungry what so ever, and at this particular point i dont want to make myself eat because chances of me throwing up are very high.. So yeah.. My day is going extra super duper fucken spactacular.

If i was tired i swear i would crawl under my blankets and get lost.

Dorothea Brande’s twelve mental exercises. Note: she wrote these in 1936, so you need to adapt of few of them.

1. Spend an hour each day without saying anything except in answer to direct questions, in the midst of the usual group, without creating the impression that you’re sulking or ill. Be as ordinary as possible. But do not volunteer remarks or try to draw out information.

2. Think for 30 minutes a day about one subject exclusively. Start with five minutes.

3. Write a letter without using the words I, me, mine, my.

4. Talk for 15 minutes a day without using I, me, my, mine.

5. Write a letter in a “successful” or placid tone. No misstatements, no lying. Look for aspects or activities that can be honestly reported that way.

6. Pause on the threshold of any crowded room and size it up.

7. Keep a new acquaintance talking about himself or herself without allowing him to become conscious of it. Turn back any courteous reciprocal questions in a way that your auditor doesn’t feel rebuffed.

8. Talk exclusively about yourself and your interests without complaining, boasting, or boring your companions.

9. Cut “I mean” or “As a matter of fact” or any other verbal mannerism out of your conversation.

10. Plan two hours of a day and stick to the plan.

11. Set yourself twelve tasks at random: e.g., go twenty miles from home using ordinary conveyance; go 12 hours without food; go eat a meal in the unlikelist place you can find; say nothing all day except in answer to questions; stay up all night and work.

12. From time to time, give yourself a day when you answer “yes” to any reasonable request.

(via officed:cakefordinner)

Now I effen love twilight.. but this did make me giggle.

“If a guy ever tells you that he’s killed other people before and he’s trying very hard not to kill you but omg your scent just drives him into a murderous rage, you RUN AWAY. Preferably, you run away to your dad who is the CHIEF OF POLICE. (Not that his badge will do much good against a vampire. Still.) You don’t bat your eyelashes and tell him you’re not scared of him. If a guy tells you he’s been sneaking into your bedroom for months to WATCH YOU SLEEP, you BOARD UP YOUR WINDOWS. Girls, this is not romantic. I know it seems that way because when he smiles your ovaries burst and you’ve got some misguided idea that he’s not creepy, he’s just looking out for Bella, but no. NO. The guy is a fucking menace. He knows it, he admits it, and yet somehow that is not convincing? Bad bad bad bad bad. This is Smeyer’s equivalent of “He only hurts me because he loves me”. IT’S NOT OKAY…”